He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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