When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
