The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
