my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
