If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
