I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
