OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
