I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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