my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
