I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
