remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
