Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
time to smoke my breakfast
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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