My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You pole danced in your parka.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
