if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
