I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
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