he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
