I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
