The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Randomize
