I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize