My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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