Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
