I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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