I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
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