Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
