funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
