god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
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