What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
