This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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