im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize