My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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