Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
