If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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