The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
