This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
my penis made a compromise with my morals
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
