i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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