I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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