Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
