Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
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