he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
