Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
