drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
