she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
