No stitches, just platelets and will power
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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