good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
