She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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