Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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