go do what you do best...puke behind churches
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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