As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
