Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
