so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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