I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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