I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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