so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
