I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
