I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
