well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
