just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
