i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
