When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize