he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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