Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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