When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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