When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
