Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
