i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
