shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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