I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
