my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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