she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
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