We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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