Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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